Tuesday, March 24, 2015
I was sitting in a wet sauna in Seoul last weekend; since I was alone in the room, I thought I’d lay down and stretch out on my back on the wooden bench I was sitting on. After a few minutes, I noticed that my mind was racing with intrusive thoughts of my plans for the evening, what I had to do when I got home, etc. As I was there to relax, I thought I’d take a Buddhist-style step back for a moment and just try to empty my mind and notice the feelings in my body. I noticed tingling in my legs where I had just been sitting; I felt the wooden slats underneath my back. I noticed the heat washing over me and my breaths getting shallower. I remembered Death Valley and thought about how much I love the desert. I looked at my body underneath the bare yellow bulb hanging from the ceiling; stretching my arms behind my head and arching my back, I saw tiny beads of sweat popping up all over my breasts, then raised my knees to see the sweat all over my body. And suddenly, I was flooded with a desperate desire to fuck myself. Not as in masturbate, but as in I wish I could split myself in two and simultaneously be an out of body male-bodied version of myself but also be myself in my own body and fuck myself on the wooden bench in the Itaewonland sauna. Am I the only one who’s had this fantasy? If this hasn’t already happened in some sci-fi or fantasy story, I hope one of you gets on that.